“Uh, dude? What are you doing? Do I look like an ice cream cone to you?”
“I don’t care that you’re human, you’re like the perfect ying to my yang. It’s why I love taking naps with you.”
“So, is this a new chew toy, or what? Oh, it’s a baby? Do they taste good?”
“Thank you, mommy for buying me this nice, comfy pillow. It smells funny, but it keeps me warm.”
“Does this thing do anything else but sleep? I was hoping I could take it out for a walk!”
“What are you holding? A new pet? What species is it? I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Take the batteries out. This kid’s crying too much. It’s making my ears hurt. Can’t you exchange it for one that’s not broken?”
“Someone has been sleeping in our bed and she’s still there. Mommy, Daddy? Can’t you do something about her?”
“Hi, little one! I know we don’t know each other that well. But I’m a big fan of face hugs. How about you?”
“Did you seriously think you could bring a baby into this house without my approval? Fine, you can keep it, but I’m never talking to either of you again!”
“Mommy? I love this new plush toy, especially its wet nose. Any chance you and Dad could get two more of these?”
“When you first brought her home, I wasn’t sure I was going to like her. But seeing her now, I realize she’s going to make a great nap buddy.”
“This is what you’ve all been obsessing about for the last nine months? And here I thought I was getting a new doggy house. You’re terrible human parents!”
“Thanks, guys! I love this new pillow you got for me. It moves up and down when I lay my head on it. It’s like it’s got a life of its own.”
“Someone call my agent. I’m so over this photoshoot. I wanted it to be all about me. But now I have to share the spotlight with this thing. What does it have that I don’t?”
“He may not be mine, but he feels absolutely amazing. Can we keep him please?”
“Don’t worry! I’ve got my eye on the kid. There’s no way I’m going to let him crawl out of the house.”
“Yes, yes! These two humans you brought home from the hospital are adorable. But be honest, are they cuter than me? Didn’t think so!”
“Mommy, what is this? Its nose looks really weird and it’s making funny noises. And his breath is tickling my face!”
“Mommy, Daddy? Where are you? There’s a big bad wolf in my room and it’s trying to eat me! And why does his breath smell funny?
“Remember when you use to hold me like this when I was a pup? Where did the love go, lady? Does this mean that I have to leave the house now?
“You asked me to try to love it, so I will. But first, let me give it a lick to make sure it tastes good. Ohhh… yuck. It doesn’t take anything like the food you gave me.”
“Could it be? Maybe if I close my eyes and pretend like it doesn’t exist, this bald creature next to me will vanish from existence. Is it gone yet?”
“Oh man! There used to be enough room in this bed for me. But now I have to share this space with this new human. Life can be so unfair!
“How dare you touch my face like this? We were supposed to be friends. But you’re making fun of my flappy skin!”
“You can take photos. I’ll even let you kiss the top of its head. But I swear, if you try to take him from me, I’ll hunt you down.”
“Please help me. I’m at the mercy of an adorable baby who has too much energy and wants to play all the time!”
“Oh sure! Go ahead and give him all the attention. I was just some plaything you could use until you got bored and had this! You think I’ll ever let you pet me again?!?!”
“Hiya, kid! I’m the family pet, and I’m going to be your best friend. Wait! What are you doing? Don’t try to pinch me. What? Were you born in a barn?”
“Terrific! Now you’ve got two pets that like to sleep all day and eat you out of house and home. But seriously. Who’s cuter?”
“It took weeks of house training before you let me lay here, and you just left this thing on the bed without thinking twice. Well, if you see poop, don’t blame it on me!”
“Hey, sis! Whatchu doin’? Oh, ohhhhh… something doesn’t smell right. I think you pooped your pants. Don’t worry. I won’t tell mommy.”
“Dude, my parents bore me to sleep.” “You think you have it rough? Wait until you’ve been living with them for five years. They’re awful. They keep me on a leash and get mad when I poop everywhere.”
“Did you just call that tiny human the cutest thing you’ve ever seen? Take it back! Oh no? That’s alright. I’ll tear your shoes and furniture apart.”
“Hey guys? It’s grabbing me with both hands. I’m not sure I like this. Don’t you think it’s time you taught this baby some manners? What if it poked my eye out?”
“This human pup smells kind of funny. Maybe you should leave it out in the dog house until its house-trained. What do you think?”
“What is this? I’m not even one and you’re already slobbering over me. Go away, you giant teddy bear! I’m not your personal pillow!”
“Fine! Fine! I’ll take care of your baby while you go take a nap. But know this, I won’t be doing this for free. From now on, I want a bowl full of treats, every single day!”
“I know we said we would look after her. But she looked so peaceful as she slept that we got tired and decided to join her.”
“Have you seen my Mommy? She’s tall and pretty, and doesn’t really look like you. You’re a bit hairy. Can you keep me company until she comes back?”