So, you want to be a DIY’er, don’t you? The thought of constructing your own furniture and household items sounds wonderful and deeply accomplished in theory, but let’s face it: Work hours are long, days go by quickly, and at the end of the evening all you want to do is crack open a glass of wine and relax, not get neck deep in 2x4s and power tools. If that sounds like your perfect Wednesday night scenario – but you’re still in need of a new island for your kitchen – **do we have the DIY for you.** It’s nice enough to impress your friends, and simple enough to accomplish while drinking. Check out our step-by-step tutorial below – **sober craftsmanship is only for the weak.**Before you start drinking, you have to accomplish two things. 1) You need to use other furniture or boxes to recreate what you want the island to look like in your kitchen. After your judgmental dog approves, it’s time for step 2) Drive to the hardware store. While we condone drinking and building, we have a zero-tolerance policy for drinking and driving.
You’ve kissed your Pinot goodbye and driven to the nearest Home Depot. Once there, choose a cheap, durable wood to build your island, as it is likely your first DIY attempt and also, you will likely be drunk. At the register, your body and mind will suddenly be seized with overwhelming desire: That’s actually your bottle(s) of wine, calling to you.
Now it’s time for the real party to begin. Pour your first glass, and build the foundation of your island. Resist the urge to lie down inside of this structure and eat Cheetohs – you’re not finished yet.
Using a pocket-hole jig, you can connect the corners of your island. If it’s your first time using this tool, practice on a spare piece of wood. Do not practice on your wine bottle, another piece of furniture, or your own leg.
After the corners are secure, stand over your work and take another photo. This photo will serve as a reminder that you are actually doing this, even though you will likely become distracted by the television or the pimple on your neck in about 30 minutes. This is real, this is happening, its 10pm on a Wednesday night and no, you’re not finished. Pour yourself another glass of wine.
Using the smaller pieces of wood that you purchased and almost forgot about, create a lower shelf for your island. Try to place the pieces about 1/4 of an inch apart. Make this step more fun by placing your sips of wine about 1/4 of a second apart.
To secure the lower shelf without covering it in nasty looking screws, drill from the bottom. In order to accomplish this, you’ll need to lie down underneath your island, or at least get on your hands and knees. Leave your wine on the counter for this – it’s not worth the risk of spilling it.
Then, do the same thing again, but on the bottom shelf. For each piece of wood that you secure, have a sip of wine. At this point, your first bottle should be nearly finished. Don’t worry – just like you have two shelves, you have two bottles of wine. You’re a true inspiration.
Now, using larger planks, it’s time to create the top of your island. This is going to make you feel really good, and you’re probably going to want to do a little bit of a dance. Don’t fight it – let your body celebrate. Try not to splash wine on your freshly laid island top.
The building is done, so now is the fun part: Stain the top of the island with the wood stain of your choice…
…and paint the base and shelves, too.
At this point, the combination of the fumes and your intoxication should make for some interesting results. Roll with it: It’s now 3am on Thursday morning, you built an island, and baby, you’re alive. Tuck in to your third bottle of wine, and don’t feel bad about only taking one sip before falling fast asleep.
The next morning, wake up and wonder what happened. Then decide it doesn’t matter, because you now have the kitchen island of your dreams.
